Babies Careers and Fears

Last week I knew that I was pregnant. It was a great news especially that we have been trying for 6 months. So we literally looked for it. Now One week later the inevitable has started: panick attacks, fears showing up, questions, uncertainties.

Why:

1)I do not have enough money

2) I do not have a stable job

3) We are not living in stability in any country

I worked in some stable jobs, but I couldn’t stay too much I felt I was suffocating and a prisoner. Maybe it was out of immaturity or still living in la la land where I thought I haven’t found the ideal job. Now I know there is no Ideal job.

I tried all kinds of jobs, big firms, corporate firms, NGOs and teaching. Lately I’ve settled on freelancing which I love but it does not give me the income I am hoping for to be independent. Now that I am pregnant, I feel I need a more stable job with a more stable income. I don’t think any company will take me knowing that I will give birth in 9 months.

But when I think about it more. I want to be having time with my baby. I have ambitions but at the same time I don’t like running behind the corporate scale.

I have some passions like veganism and animals as well as fighting for fairness in this world, I am thinking a lot about starting something of my own, but I am totally lost how and where.

My home country is not a stable place to be. And the country of my husband is good, but his current income is not from there. So we cannot go there and stay without any income.

I am very scared of forgetting about myself and lose my ambitions and ruin my ’career’. I am very close to my 30s. Well practically 30. And sometimes I feel I have a very frail personality that I am not very strong.

Also thinking about why bringing someone to this world. What’s the point, so he or she goes through the same process?

I am very confused and lost, what my next steps should be? I would want to specialize in something new, but this means that I need to specialize again in something else. I already feel I am a failure. Other of my age already achieved a lot and I am here just freelancing a bit and having babies.

Honestly I don’t care about my status or prestige, I just want a job that gives me enough money to survive the month without depending on anyone.

Yours truthfully,

Sophia

Losing weight for ethics and principles

First of all I would like to let you know that I have been vegetarian for one year (actually I started long before then I stopped because of the many arguments that kept running in my head until ultimately I just let them fuck off); and recently Vegan… YEYYYYYY!

I always considered myself as someone with a very low willpower Like whatever if I want something let me just get it, why should I even resist? This was applied to everything, food, sexual relations. However; at the time I also ignored the side of me that was compassionate, sensitive and empathetic. These for me were weaknesses that I had to overcome; weaknesses that I had to ignore because I should be more careless and not give a fuck, be a strong woman, and again we are all going to die anyway? no? YOLO! just do whatever makes you happy and that’s it!

As surprising as that might be, the truth is, that did not really make me happy.

What made me happy was to reconnect with who I really was, to reconnect with my sensitive compassionate part of me.

So anyway, (sorry I got a bit confused as I started this text yesterday and left it to finish it today)  me who never had enough willpower to say no to food and also to casual sex, found myself filled with a great power to say no to meat, to poultry, to eggs, to cow milk, to honey, to leather ect…

I could say no to that because I was standing for a cause, because this made me happy to feel that I am actually helping out just by changing my daily habits, changing my food choices and eventually discovering a whole new perspective of things.

Now let me get back to why I am writing this post today… I could stop eating meat for environmental and ethical reasons: not to harm the environment and to stand against animal cruelty… Why don’t I have the willpower to stop eating that much and lose weight for the simple fact that I love myself and I don’t want to hurt my body…

I’ve been up and down in the scale for many years. I have varicose veins, I did an operation in my uterus and the doctor told me that I should not gain weight or the problem will come again….

I am ready to help everyone, I don’t understand why I cannot help myself and fuel my willpower to do so. I need to love myself and to start losing weight for ethical reasons which is destroying my own self!

The road and process to becoming vegan taught me and is still teaching me many things, most importantly that old habits cannot disappear for one day to another, but one thing that can make them change easier is to believe. To believe in the change you want to make. I believed and was convinced that I should not take part in animal cruelty and this fueled my willpower to a point I don’t even have to use it anymore. I am not tempted. I believed in my change and my cause.

I hope that today is the continuity, the beginning of another continuity of my better self for the love of myself.

Peace, love and go vegan!

Yours truthfully,

Sophia Perdida