Last week I knew that I was pregnant. It was a great news especially that we have been trying for 6 months. So we literally looked for it. Now One week later the inevitable has started: panick attacks, fears showing up, questions, uncertainties.
1)I do not have enough money
2) I do not have a stable job
3) We are not living in stability in any country
I worked in some stable jobs, but I couldn’t stay too much I felt I was suffocating and a prisoner. Maybe it was out of immaturity or still living in la la land where I thought I haven’t found the ideal job. Now I know there is no Ideal job.
I tried all kinds of jobs, big firms, corporate firms, NGOs and teaching. Lately I’ve settled on freelancing which I love but it does not give me the income I am hoping for to be independent. Now that I am pregnant, I feel I need a more stable job with a more stable income. I don’t think any company will take me knowing that I will give birth in 9 months.
But when I think about it more. I want to be having time with my baby. I have ambitions but at the same time I don’t like running behind the corporate scale.
I have some passions like veganism and animals as well as fighting for fairness in this world, I am thinking a lot about starting something of my own, but I am totally lost how and where.
My home country is not a stable place to be. And the country of my husband is good, but his current income is not from there. So we cannot go there and stay without any income.
I am very scared of forgetting about myself and lose my ambitions and ruin my ’career’. I am very close to my 30s. Well practically 30. And sometimes I feel I have a very frail personality that I am not very strong.
Also thinking about why bringing someone to this world. What’s the point, so he or she goes through the same process?
I am very confused and lost, what my next steps should be? I would want to specialize in something new, but this means that I need to specialize again in something else. I already feel I am a failure. Other of my age already achieved a lot and I am here just freelancing a bit and having babies.
Honestly I don’t care about my status or prestige, I just want a job that gives me enough money to survive the month without depending on anyone.