Recently I HAVE BEEN OBSESSED WITH THIS SUBJECT. Like thinking about it all the time. I really feel ready for it.
However; I still don’t have a career. A stable job, a stable income.
I was thinking about doing a training in Traditional Chinese Medicine. Start working from home or open my institute. That would be really nice.
Point is I should really find something before I get pregnant or it would be a bit too late!
I will do more research and see what will come up.
When I was a kid I was always asked, ”what do you want to do when you grow up”. Well here I am all grown-up, even ready to make babies, and I still don’t know what I want to do or at least how am I going to make money (sustainability).
Ideas come and go. And again it is with the how? when? with who? with what? Am I capable of it? Do I have the motivation for it? Does it make sense? Am I fighting against the current?
Should I wait for another feeling? or am I overrating the whole process? Does the hard effort come first? or the motivation?
What I mean, does my motivation and inspiration will really lead me to start with the effort? or the effort alone is enough to do anything.
One year before my 30s. No savings, no effective plan. Only one is that I have to try and have babies soon if I want to have babies at all because of my medical condition.
Here I am, sitting and eating, going through another day of unemployment and thinking about when all of this will end (my death). I know I am not the only one that thinks about these subjects but does not make it less interesting or intriguing. I mean we are all locked up in this sort of brainwashing factory where we are supposed to be the fittest and reproduce and eat and work and reproduce. Even when we want to make more of our life: travel, have different experiences, engage in new challenges etc… ok yes our life makes more sense more worth to be lived blablabla. But those places that you visited those people that you loved have no sense at all once you are dead. NOTHING. They say your memory stays or your acts or whatever.
I am not finding my words easily but the point is, that you spend your life taking care and loving certain persons but in the end we will all die and this relation wouldn’t even matter.
I mean, who is behind this fucked up system! and reading all these books about living in the moment and getting detached or persons and things… like ok well I love youuu but you and me are just matter, so let’s not overate each other and stayyy nummmbbb.
Anyway, finished my bowl of cereal with Soja, will try to think less for the moment. As one thing is for sure. Thinking is useless.
So I have not been posting anything lately because I was preparing for my wedding. It involved a lot of stress of preparations and stress of taking care of everyone and everything.
Anyway this is in the past now.
Married life, still the same except that I am feeling more stuck, I am feeling that everything that bothers me in him should change now or it will stay the rest of our married life annoying me. Every small thing deserves a big fight.
Other than the sexist comments of: oh are you cooking now? are you cleaning the house? This is what marriage means? the woman starting to do all of these things?
It is making me hold myself from bursting all my anger out. I know it is not their fault, but I don’t think there is any need of applying their life norms on mine.
I know that if I comply to their norms, something inside of me will break.
Hi, Hello, Hola,
Not having much to do today, I have organized a bit around (not that I am a very neat and organized person, but I don’t like dirty things). Brushed my teeth and sitting and wondering about things, always fears and doubts coming around the corner.
I always wanted to write a book. But I don’t feel talented enough. What is nice about books and stories is that you can invent whatever reality you want. I always like fantasy movies- I stopped writing a bit because I was rereading ”The Town of Cats” passage in the book of Haruki Murakami.
I don’t have much to say. A friend of my bf fiance is coming, I don’t enjoy him much but he lives alone and I feel sad for him.
Seems to me this website is like a replacement to my old god. It’s weird, I stopped believing in god long time ago, but it always seems to me I have to apologize for him/her/it for not believing. It’s like: Sorry God, I don’t believe in you.
Anyway where was I…yes, that this blog website whatever, has become like my new god. ( I thought putting a background of Chopin Nocturne would help me express myself, but for some reason it is rather annoying me. I’ll still keep it for the moment) So I was saying, every time I have a crisis I come here to write.
In real life, in front of people, I am a nice calm quiet girl/women (I don’t know what I am anymore at 28); however with my family, I express my thoughts, anger and fears and anoyment ( I don’t even know if this word exists but it should, I like it) and everything I feel.
Lately I have been expressing too much, I have many fears hidden inside, especially with my fiancé. I love him, he loves me but we are different in many things, we have different values. Anyway, the point is: relations are hard and I am a drama queen. (He is on his bachelor party now, because yes we are getting married soon).
Well, my thoughts are making no sense, but the truth is, my new god is nice. Writing to write is something that helps me stay in the moment, express myself and get it out. Soon enough I will get filled again with thoughts and fears and will have to come back again here to write.
I hope it will be for a while before I reach out to you again my new god.
Well, here I come today again with my new fears.
How will we manage to have a family.
I have many questions to ask him specially if he remains in this job:
- Are you assuming already that I will have to be the one who has to spend most of her time with the kids?
- My answer: how I see it is a half half role. I do not see myself as the only responsible of the family free time. Unless we both decide I stop working and I take care of the children (an option that I do not want). And I do not see myself home with a big tummy or children while you don’t have time for us until 10pm.
- While your business travels, do you still plan to stay with girls in the same apartment?
- My answer: It will never be something easy for me, even if I trust you. You remember when I was out with JS, even if you trusted me you could not stop yourself from imagining bad scenarios. And it is normal. If you take the decision of continuing in this system, you will make my life hard and consequently yours also.
- During my pregnancies, do you think you can promise to make it a peaceful pregnancy from your part? Will I be able to count on you? Will you make me a priority during this time?
- My answer: I need you to be sure of your answer, I have seen my cousin’s pregnancy, and it was always her brother and her parents who were accompanying her to the doctor taking her emergencies. I know my family will always be there but I want to do this road with you, because what will be inside of me is yours as it is mine, same same. I need to feel that you will not put money or your work before my doctors visits before my health troubles before my need of attention. I want healthy babies.
- If you open your own business, are you planning to travel for long periods with coordinadoras. Just a team of two? You will have to socialize and go for beers while I have to stay home with the kids?
I beg you to take this seriously. To take your time to reply so I can see how you visualize things. I think it is important at this stage to know how we expect our lives to be. Family are not an additional accessory in our life, it is a life choice a life decision. And I think it is important to know how each of us visualize his/her role in the family as a husband/wife father/mother and the things we can accept and the things we cannot.