Marriage and fears

So I have not been posting anything lately because I was preparing for my wedding. It involved a lot of stress of preparations and stress of taking care of everyone and everything.

Anyway this is in the past now.

Married life, still the same except that I am feeling more stuck, I am feeling that everything that bothers me in him should change now or it will stay the rest of our married life annoying me. Every small thing deserves a big fight.

Other than the sexist comments of: oh are you cooking now? are you cleaning the house? This is what marriage means? the woman starting to do all of these things?

It is making me hold myself from bursting all my anger out. I know it is not their fault, but I don’t think there is any need of applying their life norms on mine.

I know that if I comply to their norms, something inside of me will break.

Another day another story another bullshit

Hi, Hello, Hola,

Not having much to do today, I have organized a bit around (not that I am a very neat and organized person, but I don’t like dirty things). Brushed my teeth and sitting and wondering about things, always fears and doubts coming around the corner.

I always wanted to write a book. But I don’t feel talented enough. What is nice about books and stories is that you can invent whatever reality you want. I always like fantasy movies- I stopped writing a bit because I was rereading ”The Town of Cats” passage in the book of Haruki Murakami.

 

I don’t have much to say.  A friend of my bf fiance is coming, I don’t enjoy him much but he lives alone and I feel sad for him.

My new god

Seems to me this website is like a replacement to my old god. It’s weird, I stopped believing in god long time ago, but it always seems to me I have to apologize for him/her/it for not believing. It’s like: Sorry God, I don’t believe in you.

Anyway where was I…yes, that this blog website whatever, has become like my new god. ( I thought putting a background of Chopin Nocturne would help me express myself, but for some reason it is rather annoying me. I’ll still keep it for the moment) So I was saying, every time I have a crisis  I come here to write.

In real life, in front of people, I am a nice calm quiet girl/women (I don’t know what I am anymore at 28); however with my family, I express my thoughts, anger and fears and anoyment ( I don’t even know if this word exists but it should, I like it) and everything I feel.

Lately I have been expressing too much, I have many fears hidden inside, especially with my fiancé. I love him, he loves me but we are different in many things, we have different values. Anyway, the point is: relations are hard and I am a drama queen. (He is on his bachelor party now, because yes we are getting married soon).

Well, my thoughts are making no sense, but the truth is, my new god is nice. Writing to write is something that helps me stay in the moment, express myself and get it out. Soon enough I will get filled again with thoughts and fears and will have to come back again here to write.

I hope it will be for a while before I reach out to you again my new god.

Sophia Perdida

Family fears and Questions

Well, here I come today again with my new fears.

How will we manage to have a family.

I have many questions to ask him specially if he remains in this job:

  • Are you assuming already that I will have to be the one who has to spend most of her time with the kids?
    • My answer: how I see it is a half half role. I do not see myself as the only responsible of the family free time. Unless we both decide I stop working and I take care of the children (an option that I do not want). And I do not see myself home with a big tummy or children while you don’t have time for us until 10pm.
  • While your business travels, do you still plan to stay with girls in the same apartment?
    • My answer: It will never be something easy for me, even if I trust you. You remember when I was out with JS, even if you trusted me you could not stop yourself from imagining bad scenarios. And it is normal. If you take the decision of continuing in this system, you will make my life hard and consequently yours also.
  • During my pregnancies, do you think you can promise to make it a peaceful pregnancy from your part? Will I be able to count on you? Will you make me a priority during this time?
    • My answer: I need you to be sure of your answer, I have seen my cousin’s pregnancy, and it was always her brother and her parents who were accompanying her to the doctor taking her emergencies. I know my family will always be there but I want to do this road with you, because what will be inside of me is yours as it is mine, same same. I need to feel that you will not put money or your work before my doctors visits before my health troubles before my need of attention. I want healthy babies.
  • If you open your own business, are you planning to travel for long periods with coordinadoras. Just a team of two?   You will have to socialize and go for beers while I have to stay home with the kids?

I beg you to take this seriously. To take your time to reply so I can see how you visualize things. I think it is important at this stage to know how we expect our lives to be. Family are not an additional accessory in our life, it is a life choice a life decision. And I think it is important to know how each of us visualize his/her role in the family as a husband/wife father/mother and the things we can accept and the things we cannot.

Eating Pomegranate and thinking about Marriage

I am sitting here eating pomegranate as part of my detox diet for this week. Yes doing detox after  I went a bit too far from my discipline goals and objectives.

But it is fine here I go again. While cutting the pomegranate (buff I make a mistake every time I type it) I was thinking about my university classes; where our beautiful teacher explained to us that one fruit can be made of many flowers. I think the pomegranate is one of those fruits that have so many flowers. Might sound boring for you but me I find it amazing!

Marriage…what is this thing that we are brainwashed into since we are kid, I mean not really brainwashed, it is like school, university blablabla, bureaucratic papers and events of this life.

Well my current partner and I are thinking about getting married. Although we are both on the same page, we have different cultural background and most importantly ….he has been married before so he sees this marriage as just an institutional event that we have to pass through,  I see it like an important step in my life that I want to celebrate.

We discussed about it yesterday, all he could say is what he did not want.. this was a bit frustrating. So the conversation ended.

I can understand his situation, but it is making me wonder about life in general. I mean if we have to be grown ups and serious all the time and detached, where is the fun? where are the emotions ?

Negotiations are still ongoing.. and I am still filling my hands with red juice from the pomegranate. I should probably think about going to work too…

About diet and healthy life, I am up to the challenge again, I gained 3 kilos in 17 days, this is sad but not a catastrophe. Let’s do it again ! Detox week and then back to the gym!

 

 

 

Missed you

Hi little website, I have missed you, even though it has been just a couple of days. I am trying to keep my motivation up!  Been serious about gym and food.

Still having problems focusing to finish the work I have to do. But I will start on it just right now… Bye bye

 

Day One 18 December 2015

This is my first day with positive energy, positive mood, and active.

I woke up, did not really go to work but went to buy gifts. Finished some pending things, and now I am in a coffee shop/ restaurant writing to you.

I will go later to the gym, but for now I will focus on the work I have to finish before the holidays and my vacation.

Hunger is fine, it is fine to be hungry.

Another thing is that the week end is here and there might be some situation that will ”declenche” jealousy. I will remember to observe and not let any place to fear.