Tonight while getting out of the car and holding you my little one, I noticed that you were fixed on something and then I saw that it was the sound of the rain.
So we stayed a little bit outside and listened to the sound of rain hitting the floor and suddenly I was listening to it the first time again with him. It was a moment of serenity and beauty.
Thank you dear son for letting me listen to the rain with wonder again as if it was the weirdest and most beautiful thing ever.
Thank you for reminding me that happiness is here and now with me I just have to look.
In our times, with the rising of feminism and equal rights for men and women, I always imagined myself having a baby and getting right back to work.
Coming from a conservative christian community, I wanted to be rebellious and always imagined myself in a successful career. So I was attracted by articles about how women should also have a right to a career that they are not only made to have babies, that now there is the correct ameneties for them to be able to juggle between work and kids…
But nobody told me that in real life it is so hard, that once you have your baby it is so hard to leave him. That once you have your baby, each day count and when you imagine yourself away from him for such long hours and missing a lot, it would be harder on you than it would be on most of men.
Why didn’t they tell me that? I would have planned my life differently and chose different career.
I am mourning the moments I will lose with my baby by starting a new job, I am mourning the morning smiles I will miss, his lunch time when he makes the whole table messy. He will be spending the day with strangers rather than with me. And while moving to another country, he will also be deprived of the attention, care and love of his grandparents.
I am mourning so many things, I come to sign my contract and I start crumbling into tears.
I just did, I signed it. I have to accept it. I am going outside my comfort zone so maybe this is where the magic will happen (typical phrase of encouragement :P), Hopefully soon enough I will start seeing the good side of that. hopefully.
I just see that in many things, I prefer to assume my female fragility and affection overload. Maybe when I have the second baby I will have things better planned.
Sure we all hear how beautiful it is to have a baby. How the feeling of love is overwhelming. But we forget to mention all the ”downsides”. For instance, I don’t know who I am anymore, I feel like I lost my identity…
I am now a reservoir of milk with tired eyes that has no special interest other than checking the color of my sons poo.
Is it worth it? Totally! but I wish someone would have warned me before.
I used to invest in meeting new interesting people and having new adventures. Now I am home with my baby.
Adding to that the fact that I do not have a job. So I feel totally disconnected from reality…
From one side I want to have a job and work on my career, from the other side I can’t imagine him in a nursery with many kids at the same time. I want to be there for him.
Having a baby dependent on you is no easy mission.
I wanted to write this a while back ago, when my ideas were more fresh, week not really my ideas but rather my feelings.
I came back from the hospital with a wound that hurts and a terrible backache. But this time I couldn’t take care of myself, I had to take care of this little human who came to this world because of me.
Other than all the efforts and the sleepless nights that come along this experience, came a deep sense of sadness the first weeks. Tears would run from my eyes. Why? mostly tiredness, but suddenly I started to think about the meaning of everything; the trouble and sacrifices my parents put into me, and for what? now sometimes I don’t even want to see them.
Then I start thinking about my son, and how much he will suffer and why did I bring him to this life and this suffering, why will I sacrifice so much for him in the end to suffer and make fun of me later.
We are so much programmed and wired into having children that even this fucked up system brings us so much happiness.
Waiting to go to the airport. And this time, maybe because of my pregnancy, I am really scared of the plane. On my way here, I really had a panic attack. I wasn’t really proud of myself, but well what can I do? I tried to control it, but the plane wouldn’t stop moving. Hopefully going back now, and knowing that the plane will be shaky will make me more prepared.
The thing is, like most of the people I guess, is that I don’t want to die alone. In a way death is a lonely road, but I prefer it in a familiar place. We all are going to die anyway and after we are gone it won’t matter anymore how and when we died and what our lives would have been. It wouldn’t matter at all.
I am pregnant now, in happy stage of my life and I have always felt that i can’t be happy for too long. So I get more scared to not be able to see the face of my little one, the one I am carrying with so much love.
And also I am so aware of the fact, that what we think might happen to everyone but not us is just a feeling and actually anything that happens to other can happen to us.
Well I will be leaving to the airport shuttle in a bit, should arrive home by 10h30. Let’s see how it goes :).
I am surrounded by love, and I am always and forever in the mood of new feelings. I am listening to this beautiful music by Shigeru Umebayashi. So relaxing.
I was trying to log in from google but it didn’t work. Apparently it works only on explorer now.
What a beautiful music, really. I don’t know if I can put it into words. If it was put into words, maybe it wouldn’t have sounded the same.
Have I ever told you that I always dreamed of writing a book. This song would be one of my perfect muses…..
How many lives do you have in one lifetime. When I think about that, I feel that I am in a movie. A weird one, with time travel and schizophrenia. But I am in a normal world.
Today I have some work to do, but as usual I procrastinate. I am 30 yrs old and always in procrastination mood. I haven’t changed in that sense since 20 yrs (yeah a bit of contradiction with the sentence I just wrote before).
Always in the mood for love. Soon I will have a new love in my life. Let’s see how this goes.
I should put the text justify, this is what I got used to. Until this sentence is wasn’t. Now I will change that after this word.
Here you go. How would you know that it wasn’t justify if I haven’t told you?
Although I am not paid a great deal on these jobs, I will try to make them because I need money. It is nice to not be dependent on anybody.
I will leave this beautiful time I had here (those 5 minutes, to try and focus).
Always in the mood of love.
Love: I am in a pretty good place. I really love my husband and feel pretty much loved by him. I feel loved by my family and friends.
Intimacy: We are very intimate me and my partner. I am pregnant now, so maybe not sexually. But I think I am in pretty good in this aspect.
Health: I am healthy, with my vegan diet, I would want to lose some extra pounds. But overall I am very satisfied with my health.
Career: This is the point that makes me very sad. It is true that I started well, and I have tried many things, but I ended up now close to have no career, and losing time that could have been accumulated as career. I worked in public, private, non-profit, freelance, full-time, low-salary, high salary…. But now I am broke with debts and no official careers en vue. Plus I am pregnant, I don’t know how much this will help.
Family: My parents are great, just the overall family going through some challenging times, but hopefully it will end soon! Me and my partner are doing our own family now :). So from this part I am very happy.