Losing my Identity

Sure we all hear how beautiful it is to have a baby. How the feeling of love is overwhelming. But we forget to mention all the ”downsides”. For instance, I don’t know who I am anymore, I feel like I lost my identity…

I am now a reservoir of milk with tired eyes that has no special interest other than checking the color of my sons poo.

Is it worth it? Totally! but I wish someone would have warned me before.

I used to invest in meeting new interesting people and having new adventures. Now I am home with my baby.

Adding to that the fact that I do not have a job. So I feel totally disconnected from reality…

From one side I want to have a job and work on my career, from the other side I can’t imagine him in a nursery with many kids at the same time. I want to be there for him.

Having a baby dependent on you is no easy mission.

Yours truthfully,

Sophia

Motherhood – Children

I wanted to write this a while back ago, when my ideas were more fresh, week not really my ideas but rather my feelings.

I came back from the hospital with a wound that hurts and a terrible backache. But this time I couldn’t take care of myself, I had to take care of this little human who came to this world because of me.

Other than all the efforts and the sleepless nights that come along this experience, came a deep sense of sadness the first weeks. Tears would run from my eyes. Why? mostly tiredness, but suddenly I started to think about the meaning of everything; the trouble and sacrifices my parents put into me, and for what? now sometimes I don’t even want to see them.

Then I start thinking about my son, and how much he will suffer and why did I bring him to this life and this suffering, why will I sacrifice so much for him in the end to suffer and make fun of me later.

We are so much programmed and wired into having children that even this fucked up system  brings us so much happiness.

Cyprus flight back

Waiting to go to the airport. And this time, maybe because of my pregnancy, I am really scared of the plane. On my way here, I really had a panic attack. I wasn’t really proud of myself, but well what can I do? I tried to control it, but the plane wouldn’t stop moving. Hopefully going back now, and knowing that the plane will be shaky will make me more prepared.

The thing is, like most of the people I guess, is that I don’t want to die alone. In a way death is a lonely road, but I prefer it in a familiar place. We all are going to die anyway and after we are gone it won’t matter anymore how and when we died and what our lives would have been. It wouldn’t matter at all.

I am pregnant now, in happy stage of my life and I have always felt that i can’t be happy for too long. So I get more scared to not be able to see the face of my little one, the one I am carrying with so much love.

And also I am so aware of the fact, that what we think might happen to everyone but not us is just a feeling and actually anything that happens to other can happen to us.

Well I will be leaving to the airport shuttle in a bit, should arrive home by 10h30.  Let’s see how it goes :).

Yours faithfully,

Sophia Perdida

In the mood for Love

I am surrounded by love, and I am always and forever in the mood of new feelings. I am listening to this beautiful music by Shigeru Umebayashi. So relaxing.

I was trying to log in from google but it didn’t work. Apparently it works only on explorer now.

What a beautiful music, really. I don’t know if I can put it into words. If it was put into words, maybe it wouldn’t have sounded the same.

Have I ever told you that I always dreamed of writing a book. This song would be one of my perfect muses…..

How many lives do you have in one lifetime. When I think about that, I feel that I am in a movie. A weird one, with time travel and schizophrenia. But I am in a normal world.

Today I have some work to do, but as usual I procrastinate. I am 30 yrs old and always in procrastination mood. I haven’t changed in that sense since 20 yrs (yeah a bit of contradiction with the sentence I just wrote before).

Always in the mood for love. Soon I will have a new love in my life. Let’s see how this goes.

I should put the text justify, this is what I got used to. Until this sentence is wasn’t. Now I will change that after this word.

Here you go. How would you know that it wasn’t justify if I haven’t told you?

Although I am not paid a great deal on these jobs, I will try to make them because I need money. It is nice to not be dependent on anybody.

I will leave this beautiful time I had here (those 5 minutes, to try and focus).

Always in the mood of love.

Yours truthfully,

Sophia Perdida

Where am I in life?

Love: I am in a pretty good place. I really love my husband and feel pretty much loved by him. I feel loved by my family and friends.

Intimacy: We are very intimate me and my partner. I am pregnant now, so maybe not sexually. But I think I am in pretty good in this aspect.

Health: I am healthy, with my vegan diet, I would want to lose some extra pounds. But overall I am very satisfied with my health.

Career: This is the point that makes me very sad. It is true that I started well, and I have tried many things, but I ended up now close to have no career, and losing time that could have been accumulated as career. I worked in public, private, non-profit, freelance, full-time, low-salary, high salary…. But now I am broke with debts and no official careers en vue. Plus I am pregnant, I don’t know how much this will help.

Family: My parents are great,  just the overall family going through some challenging times, but hopefully it will end soon! Me and my partner are doing our own family now :). So from this part I am very happy.

Bitter Sweet Feelings

Here I am, in a condition where most persons should be happy, but here I am allowing my fears to take surface and control me.

My fears of death and seeing my life pass in front of me without realizing anything major.

My fear of not being an independent active member of this society (not making enough money).

I am close to my 30s and pregnant. I wanted to get pregnant nobody forced me, but now I am so scared of becoming only a mother. I always had high ambitions of doing something nice to this world.

I am almost 30 and I am broke, I have no money, but accumulated debt.

Yours truthfully,

Sophia Perdida

Babies Careers and Fears

Last week I knew that I was pregnant. It was a great news especially that we have been trying for 6 months. So we literally looked for it. Now One week later the inevitable has started: panick attacks, fears showing up, questions, uncertainties.

Why:

1)I do not have enough money

2) I do not have a stable job

3) We are not living in stability in any country

I worked in some stable jobs, but I couldn’t stay too much I felt I was suffocating and a prisoner. Maybe it was out of immaturity or still living in la la land where I thought I haven’t found the ideal job. Now I know there is no Ideal job.

I tried all kinds of jobs, big firms, corporate firms, NGOs and teaching. Lately I’ve settled on freelancing which I love but it does not give me the income I am hoping for to be independent. Now that I am pregnant, I feel I need a more stable job with a more stable income. I don’t think any company will take me knowing that I will give birth in 9 months.

But when I think about it more. I want to be having time with my baby. I have ambitions but at the same time I don’t like running behind the corporate scale.

I have some passions like veganism and animals as well as fighting for fairness in this world, I am thinking a lot about starting something of my own, but I am totally lost how and where.

My home country is not a stable place to be. And the country of my husband is good, but his current income is not from there. So we cannot go there and stay without any income.

I am very scared of forgetting about myself and lose my ambitions and ruin my ’career’. I am very close to my 30s. Well practically 30. And sometimes I feel I have a very frail personality that I am not very strong.

Also thinking about why bringing someone to this world. What’s the point, so he or she goes through the same process?

I am very confused and lost, what my next steps should be? I would want to specialize in something new, but this means that I need to specialize again in something else. I already feel I am a failure. Other of my age already achieved a lot and I am here just freelancing a bit and having babies.

Honestly I don’t care about my status or prestige, I just want a job that gives me enough money to survive the month without depending on anyone.

Yours truthfully,

Sophia